Cut the crap and show your soul. This has been my message from the universe over the last month or so. I was contemplating deleting all social media from my life, but somehow that did not feel right. Signs and symbols lead me on and the answer to my online presence dilemma is a simple one. Take off the mask. Let people in. Stop being afraid to open up and show people your soul.
The truth is that I sell myself short, all to often I submit and conform to to someone else’s ideals of what they want from me, what role they chose for me to fill in their lives instead of standing my sacred ground I bow and bend to meet the needs of others….
because I crave acceptance
I crave intimacy
I fear rejection
Because I was raised to believe that the happiness of others was of greater importance than my own.
Because I was taught as a child that to love someone meant that you must make them happy even if that meant sacrificing your own happiness.
I am approaching my fiftieth year here in this thing we call life and I have never given myself permission to be fully me. I have had periods of time when I feel I am living in my sacred authentic open space but I quickly dim my light and my power to make others comfortable. I pretend to be small and insignificant when I know in my heart I am neither.
“The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don’t have to gain, develop, or attain them. We’re like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight. We don’t need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds, and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we really are.” Bo Lozoff
With my crone years approaching I am contemplating more and more just how I want the rest of my life to play out. I remember the lives of my grandmothers, both beautiful lovely women. Both women who lived their lives fulfilling everyone else’s expectations of them. My dad’s mom was a powerful Earth Mother but she stayed small and insignificant and died at a fairly young age. My mom’s mother was peaceful and quiet with a passionate and romantic soul. She spent her life rocking in a chair and living vicariously through the characters of the romance novels she devoured. I look at the lives of my mother and my mother-in-law. My mother has blossomed since the death of my father (may he rest in peace), she has become and is becoming more and more herself as the years pass and it is wonderful to watch her progress. But she had to wait until her husband died to give herself permission to fully live her life and BE her self. My mother in law, a highly intelligent and intuitive woman married a man that has totally squashed her spirit. Everything she does is done with perfection and care and I wonder all that this beautiful woman might have accomplished if she hadn’t married so far beneath her in both intelligence and true power. My female role models are women that merely survived, none of them truly thrived none of them truly lived and walked in their authentic power. It is not my intention to dishonor the lives of these women. I love them all and have learned so much from each of them but I am not content to follow in any of these women’s foot steps. I want more.
I am determined to keep growing and learning in this life. I am not willing to settle for a life that does not fulfill the longings of my soul. I am not content pretending to be small and insignificant. I am cutting the crap and showing my soul. I am giving myself permission to live authentically, make mistakes, make other people uncomfortable, disappoint others, and do what makes my heart happy.
This blog will be a documentation of my journey and my self discoveries along the way as I forget who I was taught to be and learn to walk in my own truth and integrity, a simple sharing of my life, my thoughts and my art.
So here I go… again.